escapism

earnest attempts by a girl without an avoidant bone in her body

when i feel myself start to spiral, i pull out my mat and torture myself with a 25-minute pilates ab workout. the key here is to listen to a to-cry-to playlist with it. rewire the emotional pattern in my mind. i’m hurting and in pain, but i’m associating this sob-inducing song with something else now. for the astrologically inclined, i have an aries moon, of course i process emotions this way. for the rest, dopamine and endorphins and all that. you get the gist.

i set my alarm earlier. there’s nothing else to do with the additional hours. i just know i’ll likely be waking up from a dream that will feel heavy on my mind. i give myself a bit to dwell on it in silence, in the dark with my black-out curtains drawn. to fall back asleep, hopefully. to wake up a second time, give the day a second chance to begin.

when i was younger, i was obsessed with learning what each card in a tarot deck meant. what they symbolized, what they had to say. just the theoretics of it, really. the deck is being put to work now. i pull out a card any time my mind buzzes with questions no one else has the answer to. i don’t know what i expect. when i see The Sun, i feel a spark of hope and joy. the High Priestess tells me i need to shut up and listen to my gut. i put the deck away when the Three of Swords comes out. i know i am sad, you don’t need to remind me.

i’ll watch a movie. never mind, this one will make me wallow. try another one. a third. a fourth. never mind. need to pivot.

i would normally journal but i shouldn’t. that’ll just make me remember. live in it. drown in it.

there’s a pinterest board. there’s always one. hopecore, delulu-maxxing, endless scroll of aspirational imagery. a few scrolls, and then i close my eyes and try to imagine myself in it. doesn’t really work that way, but it was worth a shot.

she knows i don’t want to talk about it. we walk aimlessly and yap about everything but the elephant. hot sauce. what vegetable is this. oh look, diet coke is back. yum, try some of this cheese. vedic astrology. i need to get my annual health checkup. are you sure you don’t want to talk? i do. it spews out in random nonsensical bursts like water from a clogged drain. incoherent, incomplete maybe, but i feel a little better. we’re sitting at the bar now on too-high barstools i had to climb onto, with a plate of mozzarella sticks. i feel lighter and we’re giggling until i remember again. at least i’m not laying in bed staring at the ceiling.

i sit with the lights off. no mosquitos come to my room this way, i tell myself. better for the circadian rhythm. less strain on my eyes. as if the screen i’m staring at isn’t nullifying the attempt. but i’m on my sixth sudoku of the evening, this is stimulating my brain, so it is good for me really. i’m sick of it. i throw the ipad to the side and sit in silence instead.

shall i finally get around to learning game theory, then? i’ve been wondering what that’s all about for long enough. maybe i learn how to automate my life with python. maybe i pick up the iliad, and then the odyssey. i could crochet. what other side-quest could i go on that won’t bring up a memory.

i’m perched on the ledge of my window staring out at the sky and the birds and the buildings and the vehicles and the trains and the tiny people and their dogs. i look up at the clouds. that one looks like a heart. oh.